“Everyone deserves to love themselves unconditionally, and finally I see that I cannot be an exception to that rule.”
Me, a year ago
Background
Growing up, self-blame was my shield, self-shame my sword. Instead of accepting non-ideal situations, I would insult myself. Unable to face the prospect that life didn’t match my desires, I resorted to identifying perceived flaws in myself to reconcile a disappointing reality with what I was feeling.
I would then repeat those flaws like a mantra: “I’m so ugly” “I’m so unattractive” “Of course nobody would ever want to date me” “Of course they don’t want to hang out with me, I suck” over and over and over again until I ran out of energy and distracted myself. I wore my low self-esteem on my sleeve as if it were a medal.
When I was frustrated that I didn’t feel as smart as some others? “You idiot” “You don’t deserve to get into a good university anyway” “Why can’t you be smarter? Come on brain” “I suck”
When I missed an opportunity while playing sports? “I can’t believe I missed that, I suck” “That will be my ONLY chance, and I blew it. Idiot.” “Can’t believe I swung at that pitch, only an idiot would do that. I don’t even deserve to play.”
Looked in the mirror? “Wow, you’re so ugly” “Why can’t you get it together?” “Your facial hair makes you look chubby” “You. Suck.”
And so on.
This was, of course, damaging to myself – a form of mental self-harm. After hearing these insults for many years, I reached a point in my young adult life where, much of the time, I would shrug off opportunities and said “Why bother? There’s no way I could do that anyway.”
For most of my young adult and adult life, I have hated myself. Hate is a strong word, but I believe hate is the inverse of love. And as many times as I said “I hate myself” when upset, and how few times (none) I said “I love myself” – I don’t believe any word in between hate and love feels adequate.
The Decision
I like to set one intention per year for myself. At the time of this decision, I had spent the last year exploring my identity – who am I? What do I enjoy? This exploration took me far in my self-development, but it kept bumping up against this core blockage in myself – how could I truly be free to explore myself if I don’t even like myself?
Well, I couldn’t, so that really only left me two options: Decide to dislike myself forever, or decide to love myself forever.
I chose love. (In every situation, when given the choice between hate and love – I recommend choosing love)
What made this decision more powerful than any resolution, promise, or goal, was that the decision was made. It was done – I couldn’t go back in time and unmake the decision. By announcing it to my friends and family, I allowed myself to be held accountable on it as well.
Every time I was faced with a temptation to hate myself, I could then refer to the decision as a guide for how to act. I gave this decision permission to supersede my emotions. As soon as my logical brain entered the room in any situation, I would weigh my potential actions and thoughts against my decision – this made it incredibly powerful.
Atomic Habits would probably define this as an “Identity-based habit” – where I set the identity “someone who loves themselves” and then can place every word, every thought, every decision up against that identity and ask “Is this what someone who loves themselves would say / think / do?” This helped to take my decision and transform it into an active practice of self-love.
Struggles
As with all self-healing journeys, the road to self-love was bumpy and full of potholes. I didn’t just wake up one day with the self-compassion of a thousand hugs at all times, though that sounds really cozy!
I made this decision when I was in the midst of some of the heaviest emotional turmoil of my adult life. Looking back in my journal, there are pages and pages of second-guessing, self-blame, and a complete lack of confidence in my decisions and abilities. This carried on for some time, and hit a peak on August 13, 2023. As best I can remember it, this is the last time I ever said “I hate myself” – a phrase I had become all too comfortable using before, but now try to avoid using even ironically / self-deprecatingly.
I remember how it felt when I said those words. I knew that I had gone against my decision. In that sense, I was both feeling the self-hatred of the moment mixed with feelings of failure, for not sticking to my decision. I stewed in it for hours, before finally realizing that I could apologize to myself. I told myself that I didn’t actually hate myself, I was just really upset at what had happened.
At that moment – years of “failures” came flashing back to me. Moments where things, some in my control, some not, had taken place, and I had, in a fit of frustration, taken to blaming myself, cursed myself out, or belittled myself. And I realized that those “failures” weren’t actually failures after all – they were just experiences. Not every experience is going to feel good, but every experience can be learned from.
I accepted my own apology and moved forward. It didn’t make the pain of the moment go away, but it did provide me some comfort in knowing that I was not going to abandon myself so easily.
Another test came when someone very close and important to me almost died last year. It would have been very easy to fall into the comforting arms of guilt: “You should have been around more” “You could have done something to prevent this” – but I had come far enough along in my healing to see past these false voices, so I instead offered myself and those around me comfort in those challenging times.
Letting go of the past, I focused on the current moment, and in doing so the past and all its darkness lost its grip on me.
The Positive Feedback Loop
I can’t pinpoint when it happened exactly, probably because it didn’t just happen one day – but over the coming weeks and months, I grew lighter. I started taking decisions based on the core premise that I love myself. This self-love soon became a reflex.
I began accepting compliments without mirroring them back instantly. Instead of just accepting compliments, I began actually feeling them.
I started working out regularly and eating better. I cut out alcohol. I started a healthy morning and night routine.
Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing everything I disliked about myself, I started to like what I see. This was a necessary precursor to believing that others could also like how I look. Suddenly, I found myself caring about whether my shoes and socks matched, whether my shirt was wrinkly, just generally what my outfit said about me and my mood for the day.
I started noticing that I had created a positive feedback loop of positivity for myself: I cared about myself, which led me to care for myself.
The Power of Words
You know that phrase – “You are what you eat?”
Well, I believe it can be extended to “You are what you say about yourself.”
By saying things about yourself, positive or negative, you are shaping the concept of ‘you’. In the same way that “fake it ’til you make it” implies that you can eventually become something if you do it enough, I believe that our words have a formative power over us.
I came to adopt the mantra of “don’t say something to yourself you wouldn’t say to someone you care about.” This, I will admit, was inspired by a time I was exceptionally vitriolic and angry towards myself, and my dear friend scolded me: “Don’t talk to my best friend that way.” She was, of course, showing me something I was too blinded by emotions to understand in that moment – the answer staring me in the face that took me 30 years of my life to understand: I deserve to treat myself with the same care and affection I would show my best friend. We all do.
It is critical to remember that we are not bound to who we used to be – if you didn’t feel you were deserving of love before now, I am here to tell you that you absolutely, unmistakably, overwhelmingly, are worthy of all the love the universe has to offer.
Final Thoughts
Making the decision to love myself unconditionally meant taking a step back from friends, activities, playing games, and just generally doing things I enjoy doing. In their place, I dove deep into myself. I wrote in my journal, I read books that helped me learn about myself and the world, and I spent a lot of time exercising (which is both physically and mentally rewarding, as well as meditative!). I also, for the first time in my adult life, prioritized getting adequate sleep almost every night.
The result? Friends and family have told me they see a difference in me – a glow – an unmistakable shine on the outside that reflects the love I feel for myself on the inside.
Unconditional means I try not to allow circumstances to affect whether I love myself. Not health issues, personal conflicts, professional setbacks, acne, weight gain, family crises, nothing. Is that easy? Hell no. Is it a smooth road from here? Doubt it. But it’s a choice, and likely the most important one I will ever make.
I am forever grateful to myself from a year ago for setting this permanent intention – it is the best gift I have ever given or received.
It is with the lightest and warmest heart that I can confidently say: I love myself, without condition, and this has set me free.
<3 Cory